What's in my head!?!

As I come up on five years at Starbucks, I start to wonder how I got to this point. Working hard does mean something but if I wanted to be a manager, I would have skipped the whole college thing. It's not like I partied but I did make many lifelong friends, and for that, everything I went through was worth it. Here I am, working as a retail manager, enjoying the people part of the job, but I'm not that much of a fan of the corporate environment. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy what I do. I just have this sense that something is missing but I don't know what it is. It would be nice if I could get a better sense like a sign of some kind, maybe lightening strike on a clear day. Who knows?

The weekend has been one interesting one with a compliment and insult. Where to begin? I guess the start can be seen with the email requesting my help. The busy weekend kept me from fulfilling the request but I will probably get somekind of flack for not helping. All I can say is that I really didn't get around to it.

The compliment was one of those that make me wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I try to be the best person I can, and those positive qualities that receive compliments for are directly influenced from dad. So why doesn't that conpliment translate to one specific area in my life? I mean I am single but why does what I do not effect my relationship status? Instead I get heartbreak and leaves me ponder what is wrong with me.

Freedom can taste so sweet, especially when the thing that was so torturous wastes so much attention and time. After a year of torture, I feel so free. Torture might be a poor way to describe it but it still feels good regardless. Thanks to all the confidants and staunch supporters, who helped me see the error of my ways. Well, at least kept telling me the right things to do, even if I didn't listen.

Why? Why do I find myself feeling like this? I would really like to know. I saw an advertisement segment on the local tv channel about depression and it got me to think that maybe I am depressed. I somehow bounce back but I hate feeling like this. I try to focus on the positives in my life but I find myself focusing on the negative so easily. I am trying to find positive in everything but it's so easy to focus on the negatives. Wishing for what I don't havem so much that I can't see past the things I shouldn't. Who knows?

Here we go again. I'm starting to hate my job again. I love being out on the main floor, helping customers, completing that transaction or passing a delicious latte to a satisfied caffiene fiend, that's why I enjoy the job. What I hate? Can I switch this, can I switch that? I feel sick, I my ear hurts, my [put anything here] hurts/feels bad. Whatever it is, I've heard the gaunlet of it all, and top it all off, I've had to deal with all of it. Why is it that young people can't seem to get it together and figure it out that they can't get what they want? I've always taken care of my team, but I guess that's where I failed at my job. Should have I just said, f-it, too bad, just work? Or just say, NO? Whatever it is, I now see that I created this myself. I've allowed all this crap, all because I'm too nice. I'm too considerate. At the end of the day, all anybody can do is say or talk that I should go home or I should take a vacation. But the only way that I can do that is if someone, anyone, actually steps up and takes care of things for me. Is that too much to ask for? Can I just get a break and not worry about anything? I'm a worry-wort, and to top it off, I keep around me, people that have potential to be completely unreliable, and can't do anything more than think of themselves. Grrr!

I guess this is the world we live in. And, this is why there are people out there who choose to live in the middle of nowhere, because then they don't have to deal with the self-centered individuals who can't be considerate enough to use a turnsignal or to just not think of themselves for one-millisecond.

I've grown tired of things that immaturity creates. People, all people need to understand that the world DOES NOT revolve around them. In fact, they should revolve around other people. And top it off, they should find that life is cruel if they don't have that exact mindset. I've done a lot of things in my lifetime, some things I am proud of, some things not. Regardless of my mistakes, I take solace in knowing that always tried my best, no matter what. I have learned from my mistakes and that experience has helped me be stronger and better than I was before.

I've grown tired of things that immaturity creates. People, all people need to understand that the world DOES NOT revolve around them. In fact, they should revolve around other people. And top it off, they should find that life is cruel if they don't have that exact mindset. I've done a lot of things in my lifetime, some things I am proud of, some things not. Regardless of my mistakes, I take solace in knowing that always tried my best, no matter what. I have learned from my mistakes and that experience has helped me be stronger and better than I was before.